Do You Remember Who You Were and Who You Wanted to Be?
I have been cleaning and organizing my home office…my study? Room where I can go and leave my mess out without kids getting into it? You know what I mean. Anyway, while cleaning I found a slip of paper from college. It was most likely scribbled down when I was writing my big senior seminar life view paper. If I wasn’t paying attention, I might have tossed it into the recycle pile like I did with my college class notes and magazine cutouts from wedding planning.
Here’s what caught my eye:
While writing that life view paper I came up with my own core values. That was 10 years ago!!! I’ve been wondering if they still hold true for me now as a 32 year-old wife and mother as they did for a 22 year-old college senior.
Alright, here we go…
trust God.
Recently, I’ve been struggling in my relationship with God. It’s like I’m numb. About six months ago I was diagnosed with PMDD and started taking an antidepressant after many years of suffering from bouts of depression. Here’s what I’m wondering…can taking a drug that helps me keep the good chemicals in my brain, which then leads to me being more emotionally stable, affect my relationship with God?
I know in my head that answer is no. I make a choice to grow in my relationship with God, regardless of my emotional state. But when you are used to crying out to Him to rescue you from the waves of sadness, what do you do when you’re on solid land for the first time in 10 years? I guess all this to say, I’m learning a new way to connect with God.
give grace.
Well, I’m a mom, so I’ve had to learn how to give grace. Ha! Honestly though, I’ve struggled with this one over the years. I wrote this core value before I met and married my husband. Marriage gives you lots of opportunities to give grace and accept it.
Recently I’ve noticed how the Enneagram has helped me in this area. Sometimes when I get frustrated with someone, I remember we aren’t the same person. If I know their Enneagram number, it also helps me to understand their motivation without assuming the worst.
love freely.
[INSERT EYE ROLL HERE] Oh lord, I sound like a hippy. Ok, I don’t know how I’m doing on this one. I’m not sure what I even meant when I wrote “love freely.” Maybe I was thinking of unconditional love. I’m all for unconditional love, but I think this is too closely related to give grace.
play hard.
I don’t like to work. If I think of something as a chore, I get bored and distracted. But if it’s fun, count me in! Sometimes chores can’t be avoided. I mean, once you run out of underwear, you have to do the laundry, right? Those unavoidable chores have actually become fun in my life. This morning I started a load of laundry at 5:00 am! It made my day seem so much more attainable. It has taken me many, many years to finally get it through my thick skull, but getting the work done first gives you more time to play guilt free! Now I can do things like write or read without the dirty dishes shaming me for taking a moment for myself.
Can you tell I’m a master procrastinator? I’m not like my hubby. He’s the “delayed gratification” type of guy. Not sure how he puts up with me, but we definitely balance each other out!
see beauty.
Twenty-two year old Amie used to take time to notice things. One of the most beautiful nights I have ever experienced was at Grace Adventures. It was campfire night of family camp week. I was at the fire pit next to the ropes course, along the edge of the woods. It was the week of the Fourth of July; the week the fireflies tend to come out in West Michigan. A little boy, around three years old, came running over to me with something in his hands. “Yook! Yook!” he cried as he unfolded his little fist. Inside was a lightning bug. Seeing the joy and wonder on his face took me back to when I would catch lightning bugs as a child. As we looked up from his hands, the woods around us started to glitter. It’s as if God put on a light show just for us, the darkness shimmering like fireworks fizzing out. I never want to forget that night. Not just for the magic and beauty that it was, but also the fact that I made time to really be present and see God’s beauty.
equip others.
Speaking of Grace Adventures, when I was on summer staff, I learned the word “equip” and quickly adopted it to describe my life goal. I’ve never been able to explain what career I’ve wanted. I have a degree in Communications because I loved studying it, not because I knew what career it would get me. I know all the practical people of the world are cringing at the thought of spending financial aid and student loans on a degree like that, but for some reason it has worked for me. The path that I’m on may not be straight or conventional, but this passion of equipping others still holds true for me.
Well after that fun trip down memory lane, my mind is churning. Do these core values still hold true for me? What have I learned in the past 10 years? Where have I grown?
DISCLAIMER: I wrote this post one week ago. I basically did a brain dump and then walked away, unsure if I wanted to post my thoughts because I wasn’t sure what I had learned from finding that silly slip of paper. And now I’m back with some reflections after chewing on that paper for a week. (Not literally…)
Here’s what I know after sitting on this for a week: I’m the same and not the same. I’m glad for growth, but still want some of what made me “me” back from my early 20s. Becoming a stay at home mom and wife is not my full identity, but in this season God still asks me to use my gifts, just maybe in different ways than I originally thought.
So are those silly “core values” what I would choose for myself today? Probably not. But I want to remember the girl who wrote them. I want her to be a part of me today. So I will keep trying to trust God in this new season. I will give myself grace today (because unlike a week ago, I did NOT get up at 5am to start the laundry and exercise). I will try and give my love unconditionally. I will do the work so I can play. And I will seek beauty and then share it with my girls, so they too can know of God’s blessings.
There’s one phrase I’m glad I was reminded of: equip others. Right now the main people I support are my family. Raising three head strong little girls and teaching them how to be kind, loving and thoughtful human beings takes up most of my head space. But, those two words, “equip others” are what ultimately led me to starting this blog. Those two words were another jolt to remember that those same desires God laid in my heart ten years ago are still thriving in me today.
To be honest, I was in a funk all morning. I was bummed that I couldn’t muster the motivation I could a week ago. But now I’m off to go do some work so I can play hard later. Funny how a post I wrote a week ago is what I needed to hear today.
But before I go, here’s my encouragement to you today:
Remember who you were. Remember what you loved. Remember your earnest hopes and wishes that came before a mortgage and diapers and responsibilities really kicked in. Sometimes it’s just the kick start you need to get out of that funk you’re stuck in. And maybe, like me, you’ll get a good laugh out of how idealistic you used to be. (Or still are.)
House of Dreams 