Am I going to give up NOW?

I am TERRIBLE at follow through. I used to be a lot worse, especially before having kids. I love to brainstorm and schedule and write long lists and dream up new hobbies and…and…and…and…. But then I lose the motivation. Sometimes the anticipation is more fun than all the work it might take to do the thing.

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Let’s review some of my half-assed attempts at things, shall we?

In high school, my aunt tried to get me to sell Avon’s junior line called Mark. I bought the starter kit, had one “party” with four friends, casually talked about it with people at school and NEVER SOLD ONE THING.

In college I asked my friend to teach me to play the piano. I didn’t even last one lesson before I got bored and gave up.

Also during college I bought all the items to knit. Ten years later I still have that same scarf on the knitting needles.

When I was an RA (resident assistant), I started a bible study for my dorm that lasted all of one week.

My oldest daughter has a Shutterfly baby book. My middle daughter’s book is floating around in cyberspace nowhere near completed. And my third daughter’s got nothin’.

I’ve never read through a devotional book beyond maybe seven days. I own at least five.

My last journal, that I finally filled in September, was started in 2014.

I started a morning “routine” last month to wake up an hour before my kids. I lasted 2 days. This was not my first attempt.

Anytime I get motivated to exercise, I last about 5-7 days before coming up with an excuse that seems valid enough to skip, which always leads to never getting back on that elliptical again.

I said I wanted to write every day and I’m not sure that lasted beyond a few weeks. Then I tried to write every week. Didn’t go so well. Then I realized I hadn’t blogged since June. Oops.

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I could go on. I know these aren’t monumental things to not follow through on. Typically if I have someone depending on me, I try to stay disciplined. I’ve learned that accountability can help. I turned in homework, met people at the time we agreed on (ish), etc.

What I’m realizing is I don’t value me. I’m easily distracted when it comes to my own personal goals. Here’s the sad truth, if it seems like it won’t be quick or easy or fun, I let it go. And then I distract myself with the next shiny new thing. I hate that I can be so lazy with myself. It’s a terrible habit. And it’s easy for me to never really take a leap because “why invest in something that I’ll never follow through with?”

In Jen Hatmaker’s book, For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards, there’s a chapter called Run Your Race. The following quote jumped out at me as reading it recently:

“Run your race. Maybe you need to invest in your gifts. Take a class. Go to a conference. Sign up for a seminar. Start that small business. Put that website up. Build in some space. Say yes to that thing. Work with a mentor. Stop minimizing what you are good at and throw yourself into it instead with no apologies. Do you know who is going to do this for you? NO ONE. You are it. Don’t bury that talent, because at the end of the day, the only thing your fear netted you was one buried talent in a shallow grave.” 

-Jen Hatmaker

I realized that I wasn’t investing in myself. And like Jen says, no one is going to do this for me.

So last week I took a leap. For two years I have been interested in a company called MyIntent. They make bracelets with tokens that have words stamped into them. Those words are thoughtfully chosen by the wearer to be an intention they want to be reminded of and/or inspired by. I love thinking up a “word of the year” (also a sore spot, I’m terrible at remembering them throughout the year). So when I saw this company I thought it was a cool way to remind myself. Then I noticed you could purchase a kit and become a MyIntent Maker.

And there’s where I hovered…it sounded like such a cool opportunity. Share what I love and maybe make a few bucks. But…it takes commitment and dedication and perseverance to start a side hustle. It might take time…more than I have committed to anything before.

After two years of looking at and continually being drawn to it, I decided it was time to take the leap. It was time to take a risk. The package arrived three days ago in the mail. To say I was excited was an understatement. I ripped open the box right away and started practicing stamping words into some tokens. Friends, I am not a natural stamper. Apparently, I was not innately wired to perfectly line up small letters on a piece of metal that’s barely an inch wide. To say this simply, my samples looked like crap. And then it hit me, am I going to give up now?

Inspiration for writing hasn’t been coming to me, am I going to give up now?

My addiction to sugar and comfort eating has gotten out of control. I need to do a Whole30 reset again and start exercising, but I’m nervous about it and have lots of excuses as to why I haven’t made any changes so far, am I going to give up now?

I set a goal this fall to leave white space in my calendar, be more present at home and have quiet time for myself. This week is crazy busy with something every night and I’m tired, am I going to give up now?

I am putting this out there. I’M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. I am going to allow myself to fail and pick myself back up again. I will remember that advice I give my kids often, “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” And most importantly, I am going to give others grace too.

When you are beating yourself up, do you notice how you tend to see other people with the same critical eyes? I want to start giving myself and others grace. Maybe if we all started encouraging each other to meet our goals, some of our positivity might rub off on us and remind us to be gentle with ourselves.

So what is it for you? Do you need to invest in yourself? Is there a goal that you can keep working towards, even if it is just baby steps right now? I pray that we are all filled with the God given perseverance to use the gifts He’s given us. I pray that we would allow ourselves the grace to dust ourselves off and start each day anew. And remember, just keep asking yourself…

Am I going to give up now?